Sunday, 20 October 2013
Marriage: Six things they don't tell you before you sign up
Changing my surname means that I now have to think each time I'm asked my name, which makes me look like a moron. I’m trying to just use Charlotte wherever possible to avoid embarrassment. My long term plan is to join Cher, Prince, Seal and Shakira in just having the one name. And what a perfect excuse to release that album I’ve been working on all these years.
2. The honeymoon period ends as soon as you get back from your honeymoon.
Oh sure, it’s all hearts, flowers and mojitos at 11am when you’re away, but it doesn't take long for domesticity to kick back in when you get home. You'll have said "We really need to buy drain cleaner," and "It would be great if you could remember to change the toilet roll when you've finished it," before you've even finished unpacking.
3. You'll worry that, unless you have a baby, nobody will ever pay you attention again.
If the number of people who have already asked me when we're going to have one is anything to go by, we won't be worthy of so much as a raised eyebrow again unless we manage to drum up a baby from somewhere. This is, of course, ridiculous. And, actually, a little time out of the limelight won't do my nerves, bank balance, or (in certain shops if I breathe in absolutely loads and swap the labels) size 8 waist any harm.
4. Marriage vocabulary is ageing.
If you want to make a 28 year old woman feel 50 years older, just add Mrs to the beginning of her name. Then remind her that she's someone's wife. And that she has a husband. And that she should really therefore write a will. Oh no, they don't make an Olay strong enough for that one. Of course, being Mrs to somebody's Mr is a joy but, until now, the only people I've known with that title are my mum, grandma and teachers - all serious, older people, with responsibilities and cheque books. Not idiots with Netbooks and a love of hashtags. #twitterkeepsmeyoung
5. All previous anniversaries are void.
I was gutted to discover that having a 'wedding anniversary' means that all other significant dates are now going to go unnoticed. The day we met, that we started dating, that I realised we both love chocolate buttons and were therefore destined to be together forever... they all used to be the perfect excuse for a greetings card or a day without the X-Box being switched on, but Marriage Day trumps them all, apparently. I'm just going to buy presents for myself each time instead.
6. You'll need a new project to keep you occupied.
In the absence of a wedding to plan, you'll need something else to get your teeth into. And no matter what you choose, it will be significantly less glamorous that arranging a giant party. We're currently swinging between binning all our clothes, rearranging our CD collection and working out how many more credit cards we'd need to apply for to pay for a new bathroom. Honestly, it is non-stop around here.
Anything else the wedding magazines forgot to mention that you only discovered when you'd signed the papers? Leave a comment and let me know.