Sunday, 13 October 2013

What it's like to... go on your honeymoon

Yes, the helmet was necessary.
What DO people do on their honeymoon? Do newly-weds really all look the same?

In desperate pursuit of a new blog post format, I have conducted an interview with myself to find out the answers to all the big honeymoon questions. My effort at least should be appreciated.

Charlotte, good to see you, and may I say, what excellent hair. 
Why thank you, it's just dry shampoo and two whacks of the hairbrush.
Well, it's working for you. So, where did you go for the big H. M?
Your honeymoon.
Oh, right. You do know it's just one word don't you?
Yeah, course...
Cool.... We went to Bali, Gili Trawangan and Lombok which are all in Indonesia.
Lovely. And were you surrounded by other people on their honeymoon, and forced to feel like getting married was the most generic, predictable thing you could have done?
There were a few around but lots of other people too. Newly-weds are easy to spot - they have very shiny wedding rings that have not yet been tarnished by normal things like cooking or toilet duck; she tends to have freshly manicured nails; and they both look exhausted. That ain't jet-lag, that's wed-lag.
I see what you did there, and I like it. So did you give the new surname a test drive whilst you were there?
Oh yes, and it was the perfect opportunity to try out my new signature too - every bicycle hired and fruity mocktail had to be signed for. I think I've nailed it now if you want to see?
Oh, that won't be necessary; I've seen a signature before. And what sort of things did you do there?  
Well, aside from the usual sunbathing and whatnot we went to a bird park, saw reptiles, swam in a waterfall, visited a monkey forest, had a surfing lesson... [Charlotte interrupts]
HA! Sorry, I'm just imagining you on a surf board. Hahaha! 
Look, I can prove it *shows above photograph*. I even managed to stand up on the board, I'll thank you.
No, thank YOU. So have you got any other, sorry, any funny stories from your trip?
Well, not so much funny but I did get a dose of food poisoning, or 'Bali Belly' as the guide book calls it, which saw all my bridal serenity go right down the toilet.
Ooh another pun, we are on fire today. That sounds nasty, did you lose much time?
Just a day, thankfully. On the plus side, I got to hear my husband refer to me as his wife a lot. He kept ringing reception to say things like: "My wife's unwell, please can we have more water?" or "My wife would like a biscuit," or "Please can I order a pizza? No, it's for me, I think my wife's asleep."
Every cloud, eh. And did you stay in nice places and have the full five star experience?
Oh yes, when in Rome!
Sorry, I thought you said you went to Bali?
We did... Yes, we stayed in lovely places. In one hotel, they'd come into our room when we were out having dinner and leave surprises, like a honeymoon cake or a bath towel rolled into the shape of a duck.
A duck? Wow, that is impressive. A quacking idea, you might say.
No I wouldn't, I like my puns a little more subtle.
Whatever... So tell me, did you find it hard to leave or were you ready to come home?
Oh no, I really didn't want to come back - why would I? There's no way our normal lives could be as good as the honeymoon. It's all downhill from here.
Well that's a lovely note to end on. Thank you Charlotte, and good luck with the marriage!
Cheers Charlotte, and to you with the writing gig. Someone should definitely give you a book deal.


  1. You're hillarious! This reminds me of a radio show I did and taped with my sister when we were kids called 'Silly Sound' (a rip off or our local Southern Sound FM). Your honeymoon sounds fab and am well impressed with the surf board stance!

    1. Well thank you very much, that's most kind. And yes, I call my surfing style 'The Titanic' inspired by the "I'm flying Jack!" scene. I, however, was most definitely not flying and crashed into the water immediately after this photo was taken... :)